Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

It's been a while since I wrote but silence can also be a powerful statement in a noisy world.

Yesterday, was a day I could not help but remember.

From in the midst of the night where one of the most cruel dreams took place - I dreamt I lost my kid in the midst of a train ride, thinking he was with his brother but how he slipped us by while we were in the midst of conversation as adults. It was a stark reminder to myself how even in leading our adult lives, we cannot forget or lose our child.

And then in the morning, the reading of an absolute chilling bible chapter about a family losing both sons and a father, a reminder of my own frailty. And later in the day, a sermon about the loss of a mother, another stark reminder of my own loss and how I never ever recovered from losing a woman of faith in my life. Yes, I was scared. And even now, I worry and fear till no end my life will not end well - whether by human or Godly standards.

And in all these, I am reminded by my own bitterness, like that of Naomi in the book of Ruth. Till this day, I know God has a plan for me. Even if it is a horrendously painful plan. I do have bitterness in my soul. I lament and am depressed. Jaded till I am almost lost.

Through the years, I've lost friends and family. Probably because I am detestable to them. I've lost an entire church and they haven't looked back once. Sometimes I feel they were a wolf in sheep's clothing. So many of them. It pains me to look back. And everytime I look back, I see a sheep, but the teeth and snarl of the wolf in the church is a reality. But among the weeds are also the wheat, and the lamb of God and his sheep also exist in the most dangerous plains. Sometimes l feel like the wolf, and wonder if I lost the sheep in me. If people call you a wolf, perhaps that makes you a wolf. Even if you are a sheep underneath, you are a wolf to the world. In some ways just like Jacob and Esau.

I have very little left in me. As Naomi said, God has dealt his hand, and his hand hurts. And I am left a broken and weary soul. And even if we have the best companion in Ruth, it's never enough. If this is the hand God dealt, it is a hand we have to play through. Even if it's a losing hand, even if you look like the cheat or inevitably become the loser, this is God's future for me.

I cannot be bitter because I know. Even if I wear bitterness and disdain on the outside, and it becomes who I am, and be judged for it, deep down I am a sheep.

But this sheep is dying.

And if not for my two little lambs, this sheep would have given up trying to stand. I don't want them to be lost in the wilderness like I have. Let them play in the fields and be merry, not afraid of wolves, not wearing clothes to shield themselves or in pretence, not surrounded by wolves, but covered by the lamb of God.

My only charge to them is even while I have lost everything, that they don't lose each other and don't lose God. Don't let me dream come true.

Like the fire in Hong Kong, I cannot save one but see the other perish. Our regret is not the person we saved but the person we lost.

Take me. Save them.

Credit to Straits Times for the photo