My company's interns asked me a little about my past life yesterday.
It's not a question I get asked often. They heard something I said, we're curious, and dug deeper. In some ways, I think they hit something raw as I then went into a philosophical spin, sprinkled and dabbed with a little bit of peppery details and raw emotions. I don't exactly feel at peace sharing my life. Even as I feel the rawness of my honesty displayed in my answers, in those answers I also see my humanity.
I saw the angst and grudge I still bear. I felt the hurt of judgement burn against my skin. I relished the pride of my successes and half successes. I still hold on to part of my identity, the rationales behind my own failures and why I could have succeeded even more but didn't, or in other words, my ego.
And maybe parts of it were inspiring to these young ones. But I wouldn't want to inspire them in this way. It's not about me.
And I was chatting with a contemporary in my sector. And she was congratulating me for this huge kick-ass government deal I signed on behalf of my company. It's a deal valued at 1.3 million. It's groundbreaking because there are so many other companies trying to do this same thing we did. But we managed to do it. Yet another success. But somehow, amidst the praises and the congratulations. It feels a little empty. You know the praises sometimes come with envy and jealousy. That's not what I want. Not what I wanted. But the lines are very fine and thin here.
I immediately told her the shortfalls of the deal. I shared the uncertainty and the factors behind how the deal sounds bigger than what I expected it to be. She mentioned other deals in the market, all trying to do the same thing. I told her that the deal I had only worked because amidst all the egos in the market, there were two of us, not two organisations, but maybe just two people, who put that ego aside to stand on the same side.
And I was thinking today... How the world might truly one day come to and end because we all cannot work together. And even as I share my story, it is simply my story and not a shared story.
The most beautiful stories are not about me, and even while people want to know about me, the most beautiful stories are when we can come together, even if just for a short while to stand on the same side.
So I went there. I explored the world. Found an identity. I came back. And what might be the most fulfilling is helping someone else find their own identity. Not to follow mine, because that was the long journey over there and back again to where they were standing at the beginning, on the same side with me.
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