Heart beats slow

I am at many crossroads in my life right now. Many voices. Many possibilities. Many fears. Many problems.

1. Sometimes, I just feel like calling it quits with church. I know the vibes my pastor gives me. I know what people would say about me in certain circles, even if it's not always true or if it's the absolute truth about myself. But it hurts being ostracised or unforgiven. I'm tired. I tried my best, everyone who knows me knows that.

2. My health is deteriorating. I have not told others what health problems I'm probably facing. My mum, my uncle and my grandfather died young. Could be me, at 40?

3. Got kicked out of a job interview process because of my last job / boss. Yet, passed two interviews with two absolutely nice groups of people and I have to turn one down, with the possibility of turning down another. And in the midst of it, sometimes I feel I'm turning down my friend who is working on my non-profit with me if I take up one of them.

4. Family. My Dad is going for an operation. And we don't say it but I know he's worried he might go in and not come out because of GA + a very testy heart condition. He redid his will before the operation and wrote a heartfelt letter to me, and I can see some worry on his face when he talks to the kids. Sometimes I wish I was with him during this time but my own hurt drives me away. I have been imagining me at his funeral just exploding at people because of all the masks people carry.

5. My own dreams, which many times - do come true. I dreamt of my kids many years ago, and I feel foreshadowing that it's going to be a reality. The dream was about hurt and reflection, on what would be Edyn as he grew up, and a test of faith. And Ashyr not in my dream but conspicuously still present in the mind of Edyn - what does that mean?

I've been asking God for peace and clarity. But to no avail. Just following my intuition seems right, but I feel confronted by a fork in the path. People don't know I pray and I'm thinking so deeply about all these things, but I also don't have many people that walk with me through these. Many others always feel a little bit farther away and not bothered enough to care, or maybe I am just too guarded to allow them to care and let the world continue to creep in to the clarity I'm looking for.

Does what feel right means it's right? Because what felt right previously seems now so wrong, and what felt wrong now also feels right. And it all comes across as being so hypocritical.

Even if I come out of the wilderness, the wilderness feels more understood.