Scrupulosity.

I never knew this word existed.

"S-c-r-u-p-u-l-o-s-i-t-y"

Even when I read it first, it didn't ring a bell. Then, you thought of "unscrupulous", and you thought maybe since there is no "un", it isn't so bad.

And then you google. And you read...

"Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder primarily characterized by pathological guilt or obsession associated with moral or religious issues that is often accompanied by compulsive moral or religious observance and is highly distressing and maladaptive."

And then it goes on to say that it is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and that they are overly concerned that things they did or thought might be a sin or a violation of a moral doctrine.

Sinning was bad, but being overly concerned about sin was also bad.

It put a lot of questions in my head. I believe it would to you too. Was I suffering scrupulosity?

You know, growing up, and even today, I have been accused of being many things.

Selfish. Different. Indifferent. Fundamentalist. Self-righteous. Sinful.. Thinks too much..... I sincerely thought I was scrupulosity personified.

They all just say I have a flaw.

I know I have a flaw, many in fact. My boss once told me "you're too much." Church sometimes makes me feel like a devil. And the dictionary of mental health isn't doing much better for me today.

Yet, today, this friend and I, we talked about the world, we talked about our journeys, we talked about our faith, and he asked me what was one important thing I wanted my kids to leave with. This word stuck with me. "Clarity".

For those who don't know. Clarity is also linked to mental health, at least where we are. It is one of the leading counselling centres in Singapore. Like Scrupulosity, it also has origins in the catholic faith. It also happens to be in Yishun, sometimes dubbed "where craziness happens."

So, I say. Clarity. Not of the world and not of these definitions of us. Clarity of who God is and how to find him. Clarity that after my 36 years of being, falling in and out of Christ, through the hardest news that I had to take and through the greatest successes of being special in other people's eyes, that even while I am scrupulous, that I am able to overcome all the complexities of this world because my basic response to everything, at least now, is simply to "Seek Him." And to just keep seeking Him no matter what, whether I'm struggling with sin, with scrupulosity or with clarity.

He shared with me that his mother asked him to remember one thing when she was passing away, that God is constant.

God, the Alpha and the Omega. The First. The Last. The Beginning and the End. Who is. Who was. Who is to come.

Hear it clearly. "Come".

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

(Rev 22)