One Way to Heaven

Even as I face another crossroads in life

Many things feel the same

There are battles raging on within me and around me, and you feel like you have to be part of the fight. To stand up for what you feel is right. Pursuing justice. Pursuing mercy. Pursuing faith. Even if one is not taking up their weapons and armour. Sometimes you feel like leading, but also know you will probably die or you're simply not cut out to lead. Yet, at other times, you feel that it's better to pray, and better to heal and restore. And, many just prefer to watch, egging on the righteous or sometimes the underdog or the champion of old. When you're losing the battle, maybe you think about cutting losses and retreat. If you're winning, viciousness may take over as you contemplate a complete victory. Sometimes, you wonder about the other side. Aren't they thinking of winning too? You ponder over self, did I do wrong and fighting on the right side, could there be something I could do better, is it even my place to be here among the many soldiers. What if I lose, die, or worse still, be captured. What if we win?

There are many ways a battle could play out. Some would say, it's not even a battle at all. We perceive it's a competition between differing ideologies, thinking, personalities, even sometimes just over a misunderstanding, and there isn't a need to go to battle. Should we not claim destiny and God's sovereignty over this battlefield? Who is destined to win, shall win, and that is God's way, or is simply meant to be. The winds can change and allow the arrows to fly a little further. The rain comes and mud sticks the soldiers' boots. And the battle is won. Or lost.

In all these battles - everyone claims to be on the side of good, don't they? It's all in the name of good. Even if not good for everyone, good for others, good for self or good for God. And many look at the outcomes of these battles of change and say, "look good was done. And give thanks to God, for He is good. " Yet in the midst of good, there remains destruction. In the place of destruction, there sprouts life. But with life, there is also typically death.

Isn't it all a wonderful mystery?

Many people and many thoughts. Many arguments, principles, reasons, rational thinking all dictating these battles of change. Where there is convergence, that alignment suggests change is needed. Where there is convergence, God must be present.

The Devil's advocate is a horrible namesake, but it arose through the church. Imagine being assigned that role within the church, but to do something important in identifying a leader - a flaw in faithful leadership. It's all but phased out now. Lost in time. Lost in the battles of change, and now mostly termed the promoters of faith and justice. Another battle of change, another war won and lost.

"Ecclesia reformata, semper reformanda"

If scriptural alignment fails - a fatal flaw

If fruit is not produced- a practical warning

If it defies tradition - an arrogance trap

If no collective discernment - a red light

Battles of change create tensions. God can heal tensions but it takes time and intervention. The hand moves fast but the heart beats slow. The mind is quick to act but the soul needs time to believe and be transformed. God is working but in his time.

There are many ways when change is abound, but with God, isn't and hasn't there always only been one way which he desires? We battle within and among ourselves for change, and many times we forget Him but his grace creates another way for our free will to come to their senses. It becomes the way we recognize, but it is ultimately the longer way to Him. We turn away and He turns us back continually... All the way till Jesus' death. Jesus then said "I am the Truth, the Way and the Life", no one comes to the father except through me. The way that God never desired became the only way to Him, but also because He desired it, He created it, in the most painful and most heartwrenching manner. Funny that humans like pain. Not on ourselves but we know someone has to suffer. Doesn't matter as long as it not us.

I have suffered immensely during this time. I never realized how much the battle has taken a toil on me. I think it has been years. I have lost many battles, won a few, but came out of the battle scarred, traumatized, hurt and still hurt, and struggling a lot. I never realised it till yesterday. That I am letting myself suffer and suffer so hard I couldn't take it anymore.

When I couldn't sleep and God just put me in dream after dream.

When your heart aches it wakes your body and soul.

When your body shuts down because it cannot take the stress.

When I told my pastor - I'm awfully drained by it all.

Not just the change. Not only resisting the change I struggle with. Also from fighting the change in my heart and the change that needs to happen in my heart. So much that last night I just let go... To let change happen. To let my heart move - to let grace (and God) reign in the battle of change, even if it meant the battle wasn't won. Learn grace, even if grace was not present at the beginning, let it end with grace. That grace comes from God and God has grace for me. And also for the entire battlefield and for every soldier. His grace, love and mercy covers all and it's not my battle at all. And it felt right.

Yet somehow even if I said, God ... It's yours. Not everything changed. And I deeply asked myself and asked God - why? Am I still resisting the path of change you have set for me or are you resisting the change that is happening?

And today, I met someone who felt the same as I did in this journey of change. And God tells me. I may be wrong in many many things but there is still that one way to heaven we all have to journey on. Have hope. Feel my presence. Let your heart beat alongside mine.

Many things still feel the same.

Still walking. Still journeying. But Heart beats different.