For Aloysius

Good evening, to family and friends of Aloysius,

It's hard to stand here today. The last few days, I have been telling myself I didn't do good enough. Some friends have also asked me, "Have we failed, that we lost a brother so young?"

I told them. I think we have. Not just today but perhaps many times along the way. And today I am so sorry that I didn't try that bit harder.

But today also let me tell you how Aloysius didn't fail, and instead was such an inspiration in his life to many of us, to his friends. And there are three things I would like to highlight:

1. Aloysius loved his mum so much. It broke him when his mum passed that he lost his purpose to work, to live, to try. His primary school friend said "I remember how he loved his mum a lot. He used to get into fights with people who spoke about his mum" I don't think any of us loved our own mums as much as he did.

2. Aloysius lived a hard life with much, much courage. He always mentioned to me how privileged I was. He was right. Everything I had, he had 100 times less. Yet, everything I did, for him it was 100 times harder. But in him you saw the spirit of a lion. Someone who moved mountains with his sheer will. I remember meeting him one day for a meal and he brought this giant box of cornflakes along. I asked him what for and he told me that was breakfast, lunch and dinner so he could save money for his mum. No sugar, so it was cheaper. I never even liked cornflakes, not to imagine the version without sugar. That was how pampered I was and how gritty, strong and persevering he was.

3. Aloysius was (secretly) a good person and a great friend. He gave more than he took. To his work, to us (even if we did not always realise it). Many times we talked about life, and deep down, he always appreciated and took nothing for granted. He would appear at our major family occasions and he always wanted to give us something despite us flatly refusing. And many times behind the scenes. And what many people don't know is how good a person he was. If you put me in his shoes, I would have done all the wrong things. But he didn't and he told me many times about the wrong things that tempt him, but he tried his best to turn away from them. He held back because he knew it would harm others. And he quietly did many things others didn't want to do without complaint, as his work colleagues, whether in Jack's place or MND, would testify. He was humble in that way - just being able to ask for help and giving in every small little way

Many people also asked me, how did I get to know Aloysius, what made us so close? I thought and reflected deeply over this the last few days. I think there are three things that bonded us, somehow, against the odds:

1. Our love for our mums, but also our mums love for us.

2. Our contemplation of suicide and of life

3. Our heart for children

Our mums played key roles in both our lives. When my own mum passed in 2020, I contemplated suicide too. I believe like Aloysius. We cried out to God - God, God, why have you forsaken me? The feelings of brokenness, being lost, losing your greatest supporter in your corner, your prayer warrior who watched you everyday, your safety net, and so much more. And to feel it day to day.. If she was still alive. I know she saw in Aloysius special, and she always reminded me to look out for him, because he was struggling so much with the world and the things we sometimes took for granted. The last time Aloysius was deep in depression, many years ago, we talked constantly. You know. For me, it was always easier to come out of depression. Life was easier to look to. But death was the same for both of us. He took a picture of my car and sent it to his family the day before he passed. I asked him why. He said just so they know that's your car. I understood now why he did it, my car, was where we would idle for hours, just talking about life, before he went up to his flat because he didn't want me to see the messiness in his life. The car resembled for him, a memory he wanted to cherish and look back on.

If you saw the video montage, Aloysius also decided to come to Sunday school to serve. And I believe it played such a big role in Him coming to Christ. During his baptism, he shared how he was so touched that God used him to make a difference in the kids life. That he was a blessing to them. To him, to be able to give back something to God was part of that relationship he had with God. You know that's when Aloysius cared for you, that when he gave you something that he did not otherwise use on his mum, that was his way of expressing love. And when he gave, he gave more than what he received. I always wish he kept some for himself but I knew that's the heart of Jesus in him. And that made him happy. He found a love for God, even if he sometimes doubted if God loved him. But we know God loved him very much.

I quote a reflection after his first sharing in Sunday School on 4 September 2011

"He gave a sharing on the topic "I messed up" today to the primary 5 kids, and he gave a really powerful and personal testimony of his life - how he failed, the difficult family circumstances that came by, how he turned his back on God, and how God's grace has helped him to achieve his scholarship award and be who he is today. While sharing, it's really amazing to see how every single child was paying so much attention to him. If you do not know, usually the kids would be very distracted during lesson and will be talking about some random stuff to their friends. Today is really the first time i saw the kids paying so much attention, and really fixing their eyes and ears to hear Aloysius. A lot of the children were so curious to know about his life and were constantly asking him questions. In today's world, almost all the kids share the same mentality of the need to enter JC and do well in their studies, and probably are very afraid of failing. Aloysius' sharing today really encouraged them, and i believe they really took home something today; that even though there may be times when life is hard, but with God's grace, He will be there to guide them and there's no one but our heavenly Father as our lifeline. The children rushed to see all his laminated results and certificates, that served as real evidence to them on the authenticity of Aloysius sharing. At the end of the lesson, when we asked who would like to pray for Aloysius and this really cute boy, Jordan Gan, raised his hand spontaneously and prayed for him aloud (though shy and soft). I'm sure God has heard the sincere prayer of that little boy and that Aloysius was very encouraged."

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I just wanted to end off on a note to say very, very few people knew, as things unfolded... That I had a dream of a funeral the day that Aloysius mum passed away, and I vividly remember the song of Amazing Grace playing. At first, I thought it was me remembering my own mum's wake and wondering why so. And why Amazing Grace was playing. Because my mum's song.. was Great is Thy Faithfulness. And when I woke up at 2+am, because my heart was so restless. I saw the message he had sent about his mum passing. This was no coincidence to me. When I attended Aloysius mum's wake, it was the first song being played. And I knew then I had to be there for Aloysius and I tried to do it as best as I could. It was a clear calling to me. Little did I know that the dream had more meanings then I anticipated... During the moment Uncle Henry called me to tell me about Aloysius passing, my heart sank. It was crushing because it felt I didn't do enough despite being told by God to be there. Perhaps. It was too much to bear. I know that feeling too. Yet today, after days of tears and reflections, and knowing Aloysius always identified so strongly with the song Amazing Grace. I know it all has great meaning. It reminded me... how I know I've failed God and how i've failed Aloysius many times along the way. How I've failed all of you. But I wanted to share with you my heartfelt belief and confidence that if God ever spoke to me once in my life, and despite my failings, I'm glad it's for this moment...

That I can truly proclaim to Aloysius and all of you...that... I Believe in Amazing Grace. For Aloysius, for all of us. I am fully assured our brother Aloysius has received that grace of God and will be in heaven with his mum, my mum and with us,

waiting for us.

I like to share Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present of the future, nor any person, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Truly God never fails. Even if we do.

To Aloysius, who receives this grace and who loves God and whom God loves so much. You are our "Amazing Aloysius".

Thank you my brother, my friend, my accountability partner, my makan and durian buddy and my fellow Sunday School warrior. I am so sorry, but I am also so thankful, and will always be so thankful for you.

Rest well. Fare-well, but not Goodbye Aloysius. till we meet again by the shores of heaven