My kid pummels me like an Akedo warrior. And it hurts.
Another of my kids cries his heart out of jealousy having lost a toy.
Yet, these two brothers show great love when they're moving along in the world. They hold each others hands tightly, not letting go when the world gets tough.
Our humanity is who we are, yet so fleeting.
From young, every little action I did wrong was mostly corrected. I played poker cards in church, and received a stern warning. Made a big mistake through my emotions, and I felt my reputation seep away. Got jealous of my brother because we always knew he was the favoured first one, and that was also frowned upon. Many of those frowns never stopped.
When I took the hit from my child. Just a child. I wondered whether to stop those punches. They hurt of course. But here in front of me was a child who was simply playing. Playing with his Dad.
When my other child cried out of jealousy. Surely he felt hurt. Jealousy was surely wrong. The weakness of crying from not having a material good, surely that too. Yet in the midst of it, he did something right. He remembered to be honest. He remembered to not lash out. He remembered that it's better to cry than to be angry.
I grew up my life with exacting standards of who I should be. All my life, I tried to do it. From Paul's teachings to Moses great ascent and descent down the mountain. I tried. Thou shalt not. Even as I sit on my swing and feel the breeze. Is it wrong of me to be where I am?
For those years, my humanity was never expressed, just eldued. Some of the people I met secretly hated me, like my other kid because I had the upbringing that helped build me a success, at least in what they perceived as character. And for one of them, they later shared that they deliberately tried to bring me down. Judge me. Want me to fall. And from there...
God taught me humanity had to be expressed. We were never meant to be perfect. We were never meant to be a robot that seemingly had no flaws. We were meant to fall. Yet, after we fall, we realise how harsh the world can be. Like my kid who was just playing and pummeling, you'd hear of comments that "I would cane him immediately if I were him". Or he wasn't brought up well.
And, so from the success of scaling the mountain to falling into the pit of despair. You will realise humanity, in man's eyes, its not elusive neither is it expressed, but it always seems that it needs to be exacted.
An exacted humanity. Someone who is a leader, Strong in character, a great sense of humour, smart and intellectual, but able to have empathy, calm under pressure, life of the party, handsome or pretty, athletic, multilingual... Yet, in today's context, also someone with a sob story, of failures gone and adversities overcome. Yet even when we reach there, it's still not enough. Like clouds they have shapes but also are formless and fleeting. Like an accent, not too strong, somewhat distinctive.
In my eyes, I look back fondly at a child that cries his heart out, yet shares his deepest thoughts, but flies like an eagle and not a kite, that loves deeply even though he fails, even though he's judged, whether or not he succeeds, but my only ask is that he walks through life seeking not an exacting standard of humanity, but that he finds his humanity and he finds His God, and holds on to his brother when the going gets tough.
In all these. I'm just me. I have successes but I also fail. And I continue to. I let go of myself to my sins once in a while but I also commit them from time to time, and I try to find God sometimes, not always. I know I'm not good enough, even if the world thinks I am. I get brought down by people all the time, whether it be people who call my irritating, rebellious, or sometimes make me feel like the devil. Or sometimes brought up by people who encourage me because they feel encouraged. I have no delusions. My humanity in the world's eyes needs to be exacted. Yet, for me, it is elusive even as I try to express it.
My child. My children. Hold on tight for you're in for the ride of your life. And just as my mum isn't here for me now, your daddy will one day leave you to walk this journey on your own, hopefully together with each other and with God. Hold on.
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